Polar

Well...last night I watched two movies. I watched Super Troopers with some coworkers after visiting the forbidden 231 sex store that was just opened recently near the interstate that has been the talk of the town. I was reminded of why I had never been to a place like that before when I walked down the first aisle with giant dildos staring at me on one side, and blow up sheep baaing at me on the other. I'm no prude, but I really just wanted to take a shower and cry after I left. Anyways...with the New Year approaching, I picked up on two quotes that made me think of the past and the future.

The first was from Super Troopers when state trooper Jeff Foster (the redhead) reacts to his assumption that Ursula has betrayed him: "You crapped on my heart!" Probably not the most enlightening quote ever, but pretty funny...and somewhat true because having your heart shat upon is not a fun thing. It has been a very long time since my heart has been crapped upon, and the purpose of this particular blog is not for me to complain about the past, but to remember the good things and look into the New Year with a yearning for good things to come. Every one of us has dirt and heartache they would like to erase from memory and never have to deal with in all areas of life, but to erase the bad...we'd have to forget about the good as well, because one inevitably leads to the other...and it is both that have constructed who we are. After all, the past is a rudder to guide us, not an anchor to drag us.

The second quote I picked up later in the night came from In Good Company, a movie where Topher Grace plays a young sales rep who becomes the boss of Dennis Quaid's character, who’s daughter he falls in love with. I know, very Hollywood...but at one point Grace asks Quaid what his secret is to finding the perfect woman. He very matter-of-factly replies

"You just pick the right one to be in the foxhole with, and when you are outside of the foxhole...you keep your dick in your pants."

Pretty much says it all. I know that just as there aren't perfect people, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. When you consider that 50% of all marriages today end in divorce...no statistic makes it more apparent. I have seen my sisters very angry with their husbands, and of course I have seen more than a few arguments between my parents over the years. However, I also saw my parents cry tears of joy as they reinstated their vows after 30 years of marriage in a small ceremony us siblings (or my sisters rather) put together a couple years ago. I've also seen that my sisters never stay angry long (or at least pretend they aren't) and the smiles to angry face ratio when they are with their husbands are usually 100:1 depending on many things (one of them being a jackass tends to even out the ratio). I can't imagine the patience and work that it requires to maintain a loving relationship that lasts so long, along with raising children in a way that challenges and enlightens them. Now that I see my sisters beginning their families with their beautiful babies, it helps me appreciate the work it took to raise me…and the love it inspires me to find.

I look back on some of the relationships I've had, most of them bring laughs...some tears, but the laughs are always ahead 100:1...I think the thing that stings the most lately is when I think about missed opportunities. Sometimes I wish I had the perfect shoulder to lay on, or I could say exactly what a girl needed to hear...a joke, a compliment, or just a smile. Maybe it is selfish of me to want that at this point in my life, I've already asked a lot of God as it is. I just pray that my faithfulness will set me apart when the time is right.

Going into the New Year I think that I owe myself an explanation. I don’t think I’ve ever made a New Years resolution in my life. Most people don’t follow through with them anyways, so maybe I never wanted to break my own promises. I can’t keep torturing myself with what-ifs or could-have-beens. So next time I am sitting with a beautiful girl under the stars, maybe I will hold back on sharing how I feel…and make a wish on the next shooting star that she will know for both of us…if her head feels right on my shoulder.

Greatest things said about the past

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.
--Brooks Atkinson

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere, and don't even notice it.
--Shug, The Color Purple

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
-- John Barrymore

The past, with its pleasures, its rewards, its foolishness, itspunishments, is there for each of us forever, and it should be.
-- Lillian Hellman

One must always maintain one's connection to the past and yet ceaselessly pull away from it.
-- Gaston Bachelard

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
-- Billy Wilder

Kiss the past…or kiss your ass goodbye
--Aerosmith, “Kiss Your Past Goodbye”

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest, that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.
--Jan Glidewell

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.
--Unknown

The past is history; The future is a mystery; This moment is a gift; That is why this moment is called the present; Enjoy it.
--Allan Johnson

Everything Has Its Time

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven;
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

-Ecclesiates 3-1:8

The Dreamkeeper

The grass became feathers as we ran through the field,
Leaving worries at the fence, and problems at our heels.
With every step we take we’ll forget all that we’ve hated.
The stars light our path and our existence feels fated.


I reach for your hand to help you up the tree.
But you make it up yourself, no help from me.
What a long journey it was to find my secret place,
But it sure seems worth it to see the moon upon your face.

For as long as we need the tree becomes our own.
I have come to life, and my coffin has been closed.
The fork in the tree becomes our meeting place.
I sit down behind you and place my arms around your waist.

The strangeness in the light only compounds the mystery.
When you look upon my face, what is it that you see?
Have I become a ghost?
I peek around your shoulder and ask you if the sun has died.
No, you say with assurance, I’m sure that it’s just waiting to rise.

Slowly I loose my grip around you as my body disappears.
Slowly I begin confronting the meaning of my empty tears.
Have I become a ghost?
What do you think of now when you picture my face?
Is there anything there, or is something in its place?

My shadow, like fog, descends from the tree.
I begin to walk backwards while you’re gazing down at me.
The sun flashes on the horizon, and I begin to burn.
Even if you try to save me, it’s too late for my return.

Shine away my shadow, the sun never dies.

Shine away my shadow, the sun never lies.

I’d rather die in love,
Than stay alive numb.

So I climb back in my coffin and wait for the bell to toll,
And I pay the Dreamkeeper another night to keep my soul.

Does that make me a ghost?

C.M.H. ‘05

Jacob Wrestling With The Angel

I hope that in me there is a little bit of you
I hope that one day my hands become your hands,
And my lips only speak of truth

I hope I can forget the times I’ve lied
And cursed the world with your name
I hope I’ll forget the death, the crying, and the shame

When I stand before you that day, the angels all around
I hope my life has become yours
And I won’t want to feel the ground

I hope that I meet my angel
And understand why it doesn’t have a name
When others raise their fists in the air
I hope I’m last to cast the blame

I want to have your healing touch
And I want to have your face
I want to know why you love me so much
And understand the workings of your grace

I want to know why you found me that night
A sinner without a face
And turned me into a miracle of life
My darkness gone without a trace

I hope I’ll taste your mercy
When life deals a losing hand
I hope it makes me stronger
And brings me closer to your land

Most of all I want to know you
And why you died for me
Until then I’ll be searching
And hoping that day I’ll see

You upon your mighty throne,
Looking down on me
And say “Welcome home my son,
Your soul is finally free"

-C.M.H. '05

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but *Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place *Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

- Genesis 32:22-30

*Israel means he struggles with God
*Peniel means face of God

"I thank my God every time I remember you."

The title comes from Phillipians 1:3, one of my favorite verses. A couple years ago I thought I had spent my last years at Merom Conference Center as a camper, and I sat down to write a poem about the place where I found God and some of the closest friends I have today. After only a short time, this is what I came up with.

Merom

There are no words to describe a place
In between heaven and God’s sweet grace

A place where you’re free to live and to love
A place where no one snickers, but always laughs at your jokes

A place where all colors run white together
And starts those little moments that last forever

A place where nothing ever seems to end
And a place where the end of the road begins

A place where the people don’t seem like people anymore
But rather someone you’ve always known before

Before you were born, and before you ever knew
That God was always there, and He had plan for you

In that plan he wrote a note for me
To look at you and see Him smiling back at me

You can go to Merom’s website at www.merom.org . Merom Conference Center is located in the small town of Merom, Indiana. Last summer we had our first young adult camp called ‘Common Ground.’ It runs from August 9th-August 13th, just send an email their way for a brochure. It is a chance for young adults to get together and just have a good time while really focusing on their faith. I have attended since I was in the fourth grade, and wouldn’t miss a year for the world. There isn’t a better place to come right before school to just relax and have a great time. People always ask me, “So that is one of those camps where you run around a sing hymns all day and do churchy stuff right?” Wrong...in fact, pranks happen to be one of our favorite pastimes. One year I tied all of Derek’s clothes to the balcony overhanging the second floor, and I’ve also received a dead squirrel that was neatly wrapped in a box and I was told it was a present. Yeah, so I opened it…call me naïve. The truth of it is I’ve learned more, laughed more, cried more, and had more fun at this place every year in one week than I can probably account for in the entire rest of my life.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward loveand good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are inthe habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all themore as you see the Day approaching.-- Hebrews 10:24,25

Love is Enough

I saw the first sign of Christmas around the corner today, as the snow began to fall outside my window when I woke up. I smiled in anticipation of all the good movies to see, all the wonderful food, and being at home with those I love the most and who have taught me so much in my life. I thought about the two new and beautiful babies the Lord has blessed my family with. For being such a cold time of year, sometimes winter brings the most warmth. I thought back to a time late in my high school years, in which I learned a valuable lesson about giving.

There was a time in my life when I thought Christmas was all about me. I would wake up at 4 a.m. greedily sitting by my presents on Christmas morning, shaking the colorful boxes and wondering what I was going to get (even though I already knew). The green one was a new power ranger toy, the package with the golden paper was a new Nintendo game, and the big blue and silver one had to be my deluxe remote control car with power steering and airbags (for the other toys of course). So my closet diving in November had paid off, but year after year of finding out that I could ask for anything (except a broadsword)…and sure enough come Christmas morning it would be waiting for me in an ornately wrapped present, was beginning to lose it’s magic. Now I realize that it is because what I felt in my heart wasn’t magical at all.

Around Christmas my junior year my mom told me that she and Dad had decided to do something different this year for Christmas. There was a family that were patients of theirs who weren’t going to be able to afford Christmas presents for their kids, and together we were going to go with the two kids and buy them presents for their family and for themselves. My mother asked me to go along with her, dad, and three of my sisters. To be honest I dreaded the idea of going along. Now I get tears in my eyes every time I think about the first time I saw them. We met the kids at the office early one evening; they walked in an introduced themselves very politely. The girl appeared to be about 10 or 11, the boy a couple years younger. She was wearing torn up jeans, an old baggy sweater, and shoes that had holes and didn’t fit. The boy’s clothes were in the same condition, if not worse. They both had brown hair and shining brown eyes, they were beautiful kids, very full of life. We took them to Wal-Mart, and first things first we decided we needed to get them clothes. After trying on what seemed like 20 outfits and putting them in the carts, it was time for them to buy presents. The funny thing about it was, they had the choice of shopping for themselves first or their families first, and the both chose their families. They picked out things for their sisters and brothers, and eventually they got to choose a couple things for themselves.

After eating dinner and going back to the office, their ride showed up shortly to take them away as quickly as they had arrived. They gave us all hugs and the most sincere thank-you I believe I’ve ever heard, with tears in their eyes, or the tears might have been in mine, I don’t really remember.

Somewhere in between I had realized what a profound thing my parents had done, and what a blessing it was that instead of thinking about what presents I was going to get, I could think about how it felt to give myself, and what God looked like in a child’s big brown eyes.

A year later, a month before Christmas, I was asked to give a sermon for our church’s youth Sunday service. The special offering was to go towards us being able to take two needy families Christmas shopping instead of one. I sat down and wrote every last detail that I could remember about my experience the Christmas before and the impact it had on my life, but I was worried that we wouldn’t get enough money. At the end of the service we were surprised to find that we had raised a few thousand dollars to spend for the two families. We took both of them at separate times, one boy was an only child. The other boy had nine or so other family members, but they both bought things for everyone else before picking out things for themselves. One of the boys you can see in the picture above. The other boy in the picture learned an important lesson about becoming a man.

Giving is a fascinating thing. C.S. Lewis, one the greatest Christian authors of the twentieth century wrote:

"For in self-giving, if anywhere, we touch a rythym of not only all creation but of all being" --The Problem of Pain

I was reading an article in Christianity Today about how Lewis was remembered after his death. A good friend recalled how Lewis would frequent the pubs in England, making friends wherever he went and telling stories such that people would gather round and often be in tears from laughter by the time he left. One day he and Lewis were walking to a local pub and a beggar stuck out his hand to them and asked them for change. Lewis, without any hesitation, dipped into his pocket and gave all that he had in it to the man. His friend walked on until Lewis caught up. “Now why would you do that?” his friend asked him. “You know he’s just going to spend it on booze anyways.” “Maybe so,” replied Lewis. “But so was I.” Lewis received a lot of criticism for frequenting pubs and talking about salvation at the same time. I have gotten the same for talking about God when I go to parties. Maybe it is a buzz kill, but the unsaid lesson I’ve learned from Lewis is that you better be sure either way where your heart lies, because the stakes are always high.

There are a lot of things I have trouble believing, and a million things I am unsure of. I can’t remember the last time I picked up a Bible just to read it, and many people would argue that it is just words. But to those people salvation is just words too, and that I have trouble believing. Words come alive when they become a part of you; they live on love alone. Love’s meaning isn’t conveyed with the letters that form it, but rather in a giving heart and a child’s beautiful brown eyes.

A man draws a line in the sand and stands in front of an adulteress lying in the street. The people want to stone her. “Let you who has no sin cast the first stone.” Slowly the stones drop, and the people walk away. "Woman, where are your accusers?" he asks. "Didn't the men condemn thee?" "No man, Lord." "Neither do I condemn thee, go now and sin no more."

Think of an image in your head that you can’t describe with words, this was mine. That, my friends, is love. And love is the greatest gift of all. With Christmas nearly here, I'm joyful at the thought of giving my nephews their first Christmas presents. Of anything I can think of: a toy, a book, or something new, I think no matter what...love will do.

“There is one who scatters, yet increases more; and there is one who withholds more than is right, but it leads to poverty.”
--Proverbs 11:24

"Whoever gives to the poor will lack nothing, but one who turns a blind eye will get many a curse"
--Proverbs 28:27

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
--1 John 4:7-8

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
--Psalm 37:3-4

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”
--Romans 12:9

“Is not my word like a hammer that breaks a rock into pieces?”
--Jeremiah 23:29