"The Office" Quotes

My new favorite show is "The Office" from NBC. I recently purchased the 1st and 2nd seasons, and decided to post some of my favorite quotes. Enjoy...

[during a "Diversity Day" exercise]
Dwight Schrute: Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesley: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesley: OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott: Pam, come on, "I like your food" no come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Bam! Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.
Pam Beesley: OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that i do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [shocked] Aw man, am I a woman?

[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.


Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim Halpert: Sounds Tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Michael Scott: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don't tell them.

Dwight Schrute: Damnit, he put my stapler in jello again.
[Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness to this.
Jim Halpert: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?


Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?

Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead.